Charo-scura!
Alright, admit it. Somebody says "Charo!," and your mind's eye conjures up bumping hips, pouting lips and "Cuchi-cuchi!" It's okay. Charo knows. Charo understands. After 40 years in the entertainment industry, the lady has long ago made peace with being a showbiz sight gag - what comedienne Carole Cook would call the epitome of glitter and tits.
"I get them," Charo says in a conspiratorial whisper. "People say, 'Yeah, sure! Cuchi-cuchi! Let's see how she look now!''' She pauses for dramatic effect. "'Oh, shit! She look good! I wonder what she get done?' That's going on the first 25 minutes I'm performing. I can see their minds. Then, when they relax and have fun with me and dance and enjoy, then I know that I have the last laugh. Then it's 'Goodbye, cuchi. Hello, Charo!' That give me the security to have fun and be as crazy as I want in the first 45 minute, because in the last 45 minute, I'm gonna get them."
Conversation with Charo is the ultimate active listening exercise. Her trademark mangled English is expansive, sometimes explosive and frequently expletive-laced. "I survive this business because I believe in who I am and what I can do. I try always to make new friends. This business is very hard. I can tell when someone is infected with what I call 'the bullshit disease,' so don't get contagious!" she says with a hearty laugh. "I went for the cuchi-cuchi because it was successful and people had fun. Me also, since I was little. It was like money in the bank. After that, I reach the point where I said, 'I've got to make happen my dreams.' Now I concentrate on what I am: a musician that enjoy tremendously to be left alone in one room - don't disturb by people - and play my guitar for hours."
Charo returns to San Francisco to appear as a Celebrity Grand Marshal of this Sunday's Pride celebration, and to perform a new show in a one-night-only concert at the Herbst Theatre following the parade. "I decided accepting to be one of the Grand Marshal in the parade to send a message, seriously a message, to people that the greatest country is still USA, and they've got to detox and take it out of the old tradition of discrimination bullshit that is being carried from people to people, from believer to believer. I don't agree with discrimination. I agree with 'everybody's equal,' and let's enjoy and be positive and productive and cut it out, the bullshit of discrimination. So that's why I accepted because the best place to spread this message and to share my music is in Planet San Francisco."
Eschewing the open car, tits-teeth-tiara protocol, Charo will glide down Market Street in her own float, populated by Charo-wannabes and matadors. "They look probably better than me!" she says of the planned gaggle of faux Charos. "I swear to you right now there's one in Las Vegas that look better than me. Move better than me. Son of a bitch! He's better! So, God forbid that this guy gonna be on the float, because he make me look like shit!" She collapses into giggles, quickly adding: "You should see the outfit that my sister is making so that nobody miss me. I'm very exciting!"
She is, and she promises a show that will be just as sizzling. "Since "Dancing with the Stars", everybody, even the kids, know salsa, meringue, cha-cha, tango. The first part of the show will be a celebration of the passion of the salsamaniac. Then the next part is what will give people a lot of surprise, because it's a lot of guitar. The last part will be incredible. The best-looking bullfighters stripping down while I play the beautiful music. And then we finish with a huge conga line. So get ready. I highly guarantee the audience will get more than they pay for!"
With a heart as bountiful as the body that carries it, Charo has long been active in charity events for AIDS and other causes. "We are putting how much? One billion dollars in a war, and then you have to raise money to find cure for AIDS and other diseases. How you like that? Research is no allowed the stems, which is what we need for the future to expand and discover things. You have to do it by private foundation. But is hundreds of millions of dollars available for war. So I do benefits for rich people and say, 'I open my legs if you open your wallet.' They laugh like crazy, and we raise one million point two hundred thousand."
An American citizen since 1977, this lady of Spain still exhibits a bit of home-girl pride when discussing recent developments in gay marriage, a right available in her native land since 2005. "You are talking about Europe where, in 60 minutes in a very fast train that America still doesn't have, you can be in Paris, then in Italy. With this kind of connection, Spain, Greece, Italy, Germany - it's Europe. We think different. We speak two or three languages since we are little. We see people as people, not what is the color of their skin or if they have a sexual profession." The lady means orientation. "When I come to this country, I was in shock learning that it was a problem here. So I am happy to see that this country is moving ahead. Congratulations, California!"
The Return of Charo and Her Vegas Show plays the Herbst Theatre, Sun., June 29 at 8 p.m. Tickets ($40-$100): (415) 392-4400, www.cityboxofficecom.